I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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