I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
