shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
