I'm retarded. Again.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im so drunk with asians
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?