I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts