i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
