He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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