i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We're too hungover to prance.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
