So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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