why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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