dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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