you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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