can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
