Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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