It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
