I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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