I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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