i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
