i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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