Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
