I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
