If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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