i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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