You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
