I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize