Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
