i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
