Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
