You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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