you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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