Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
