Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
