I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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