Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
