Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
