What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
