I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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