I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
