My hand turned me down
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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