I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
