I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
