I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
