I hate your face
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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