That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
