my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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