if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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