I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
