I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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