tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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