I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
