hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
