Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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